Lately I've been finding myself wanting or needing changes. Believe me, I have plenty to do, but I'm finding myself kind of digging myself into a rut. So I thought I'd go back to school. Mike and I had a serious discussion about that (serious means I'm crying and yelling because I'm upset and he usually ends all discussion by saying something like, "I can't talk to you when you get like this. We'll try again when you can get a grip on yourself") So I've done some thinking and praying and praying and thinking. And don't let the cat out of the bag, but Mike might be right. In our "discussion" he agrees he wants me to get a job, but doesn't think that now is a good time for us to get into more debt. {We're paying off the car [aka my mortgage payment] and his shares from when he was made partner this summer} So he has a point. Although, my little loan is minimal compared to what he has and if I had stupid job I could help pay off his loan. BUT whatever. After thinking and praying and heading to the temple this morning I have come to the decision that school will be put on the back burner for now.
(back to the rut). I find myself wishing for a new calling. For the past 6 years I have been the secretary in YW, RS and Primary. I'm a little sick of being the secretary. True, it is something I'm good at, but really, after 6 years I'd rather do just about anything else. In fact a few weeks ago we were informed that we need to start looking for a new pianist. So we were all asked to submit names etc. I submitted my own. I would love to grow in a calling. And I have. I have learned a lot being the secretary of these organizations. I could be the president of any of them and know what my job was. Which, I am NOT asking for anything like that. I just find my church calling ho-hum and I'm getting a bit bored and a bit put out with some of the things people ask me to do {and heaven forbid I be human and forget something}. ANYWAY. So I thought being the pianist would be a great learning experience for me. I do play the piano. I do enjoy it. I don't enjoy playing in front of people and find myself shaking like a crazy person when I'm done, but it didn't always be this way. We had a RS talent show a few weeks ago and I played the piano and I practised more in those 3 weeks than I have in a year and it made me realize how much I miss playing the piano. So I wasn't joking when I submitted my own name. But the president thought I was. Ha ha. I'm so funny. Sigh. Can I teach the 12 year olds Sunday school? I'm just ready for something else.
Show Choir has picked up like normal. But I'm finding myself struggling. Which is unusual for me. I had to give up my girl song because I had NO thoughts on even how to do it. The girl that took it did an amazing job. I wish it could have been me. I just feel like I can't even think of a basic step besides a grapevine and there has to be more than grapevines in a 3.42 minute song. So I'm just sitting in my rut. Just done. Burned out. And don't even get me started on the weather.
BUT through all of this {here's the part you've been waiting for} I found some peace. When Abbie has kindergarten on Fridays (can happen 1-2 times a month) I try to go to the temple. I usually go with a friend, but today I went by myself. And it was nice. It was more than nice. It was peaceful. Friday morning sessions are full of little old ladies and little old men. And it makes me smile. The session seems to just fly by and when it's over I'm sad. But today I felt peace. For a few hours the world outside didn't exist. I couldn't hear the wind, I couldn't see my messy house, or hear the show choir music....it was quiet. And my heart was full. It was nice to find a chair when everything was said and done and to just BE. Not to have to worry if someone was waiting for me or me waiting for them. It was just me. My heart was full. Prayers were said. Tears were shed. Love was felt. And for a few hours, all was well. Maybe if I don't get a job I'll start working in the temple. It's nice to have some peace.
But tomorrow I'll be back in the rut. Maybe this wind will bring some change. That would be nice.
2 comments:
I hear you on the rut. I had the painful decision to not work while here in Abu Dhabi and so now I spend my days trying to fill them with something that is meaniful to me and beneficial to my children and family-- not two categories that often mesh. But i am glad you've found peace with your decision. You are such a busy and involved person. I think you are doing great.
The temple is such a great place to find some peace. I hope you figure out what will "complete" you. It's tough when we spent almost 100% of time with home and mommy duties. And, don't be afraid to ask the bishop for a new calling. Six years? Time to move on!
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