Vent

I went to my friend Rachel's blog and as I was leaving her a comment I found myself writing an epistle on how I was feeling lately. So I decided it was time to vent my own concerns on my blog. I mean, why else do I have it right? Right. So here it goes. Last night we went to Aaron's school Christmas program. It was interesting. Cute at some places and annoying at others. We tried to be early, and ended up sitting in the very last row. I couldn't see Aaron during the whole thing. He's so short that everyone just towered around him. He was just lost in the crowd. When all the 1st graders went to sing their songs on the stage (for the group songs k-3 they were just on risers and I couldn't see him) I could see him, but even moving up to the side of the stage I couldn't get a good pic to save my life. And everyone has their cameras out and it's not like I could step in front of them to get a pic of Aaron. So I was a little sad. Although the school will be selling the program on DVD which we'll get I guess. I'm sure they didn't zoom in on Aaron, but we'll get it and see what it is like since we don't own a video camera. Anyway, I wasn't venting about this to Rachel. As we were sitting in the last row waiting for another class to get on the stage I turned and I honestly was surrounded by either pregnant women or women who had just had babies. They were EVERYWHERE. You know, I can go through the days feeling ok about where we are and then I show up to church, and there's my sister in law, pg. I show up to preschool and it's "Oh, didn't you know? I already have 5 kids, but we're expecting again" Or you are in the store and there's the haggard woman with 3 kids and the big belly so big that you know she's going to pop any day. Or you show up at your husband's work party and there's the little 7 week old (that you selfishly hold for at least an hour) but then have to give back. I just can't seem to escape it. And what hit me last night was that one of the women I saw pregnant I didn't even know she was pregnant (I don't even really know her. Her daughter was in Aaron's kindergarten class last year and she came to Aaron's b-day party) Sad, pathetic, I know. But I was SHOCKED that she was pregnant. And I'm not sure why. But I felt like screaming "Is there freaking anyone else who is pregnant who would like to come back and make it known to the psycho in the back row who can't seem to get pregnant and at the same time is scared to because if she miscarries one more time it will put her over the edge of sanity?!!?" The sad thing is, I shouldn't be feeling this way. I mean, I can, but I shouldn't. I have 3 of my own children. Born with...well, not born with ease, but conceived pretty much with not a lot of stress. I mean, it's not like we wash our underwear together and I'm pregnant, but within 2-3 months of trying I would generally be pregnant. But I've never had much trouble and now I feel like a freak. I want to be happy for these people, but at the same time I know that there are those who try and never have kids. Or try and miscarry too many times to remember and here I sit with my 3 perfect kids (ok, so they're not perfect, but we spiffy up pretty good on Sundays) and shoot eye daggers at everyone who is pregnant. And pretend to be thrilled when they announce it, or walk in after 9 months with their little girl that I want so badly. So, to change the subject again, I've decided I want another girl. No, still not pregnant, but thinking that I was named after my great grandma and grandma, and now, especially since they have both passed on, I want to name one of my girls after their grandma and great grandma too (maybe make it some annoying tradition that someone 4 generations from now will hate :) ) Anyway, so back to the eye daggers. So I'm not quite sure what to do about it. And at the same time, if I end up pg and carrying the baby I'll feel bad about all those eye daggers that have been thrown. And I'll always secretly wonder who is throwing secret eye daggers at me. Oh!! Just let me get pregnant so I can have our last baby, get my tubes tied (I'll be wide open for the c-section anyway) and then give me a tummy tuck. I'll be over the moon happy. Sigh. Anyway, now I'm just becoming that rambling crazy lady. So, I'd now like to apologize to anyone I have offended. Feel free to email me some eye daggers. I love you all and I'm sorry for being insensitive. ttyl, L