Open to the Public

Well, I've decided to go back to public blogging. But I'm going to keep the kids still private for now. I may change my mind later, but idk.

On to more important things...YAY!! I'm back!! And I feel as though I have nothing really truly important to say. But I've come to realize that my blogging wasn't all that inspirational to begin with. And I didn't start this blog with that in mind. It was more of an online journal. A place for me to vent when I have bad days or to sing with praise when I have good days. In fact, I started this blog as a weight loss blog. It started out being called Pound for Pound. But alas, weight loss and I just don't seem to be getting along, especially right now. Stupid scale. Stupid food. You know, I hate food (not really hate, I mean duh, look at me) but I could hate food almost as much as I hate money. Money. I could talk about that all day and into next week. But I won't because it will just get me mad and then I'll have to yell at Mike and then no one will be happy. Anywho, so, over the past 3 months that I haven't been blogging has been kinda nice. I haven't even kept up on any one's blog. So I went through today and scanned through what I've missed the past 3 months (Dang, Rach, Ruby is getting SO big. I can't believe she's walking and sigh, she's just so dang cute!! How can a year have passed already?) I have also started reading some new blogs. I was looking through a hair blog that I usually read, but have been unable to since it was in my favorites on my laptop and when it got sick with a nasty ole virus I was unable to access the info until I got back. Ok, long story short, I found a few new blogs to follow. And one is called Regarding Annie and her byline (sp?) under her blog name says "Sometimes I want to kick my man in the shins and sell the kids on ebay" Now if that doesn't sound like good reading, I don't know what is. So Annie is my new favorite as well as this lady Emily. I love how I say it like we're life long friends. LOL. But reading their blogs makes me wish I was funny. I mean REALLY funny. Because I think I'm funny. I make my family and friends laugh, but it seems like my blog has been a bit of a downer. LOL. Although on that note, you know how people give the people they write about, generally their kids nicknames? Well, since I've decided to go public - ha - again I've decided to give nicknames to the people in my life that I write about. Like this name here. Auntie Shrew. Guess who that could be. LOL. The kids were watching The Secret of Nymh (is that how you spell it?) in the car today and Auntie Shrew showed up on the screen and I just about put the car in the ditch. Auntie Shrew I thought, PERFECT. Although, Auntie and I have been getting on a little bit better these days. You know, since Mike and I are brown nosers, but that's a different story. Hmmm. Looks like I had more to write about then I originally thought. Pahahah. Sorry about that, I totally derailed the train of thought I was having earlier. My blog seems to me to be a bit moody and depressing and not very funny (although I could always squeeze a tear or two out of my mom - laughter tears there). So I've come to the conclusion that I seem to have a problem with life. LOL. That I'm not too happy. Hmmm. I can act happy on the outside when I'm in public, but at home I'm a moody, surly old bear. And if you DARE ask Mike (should I give Mike a nickname too? let me ponder this) I will deny I ever said this and will quit the blogging world forever. Because it's one thing to admit you've been a snarly bear, but it's another for your husband to agree...in public. That could hurt my delicate feelings and I might have to tear him to ribbons. Did you all get that email about being a bear in your next life? I'd like to do that. I mean seriously, they expect you to be all snarly and you give birth while you're sleeping to a baby the size of a walnut. Wow, those bears have it tough. I bet bears never get Auntie Flo and Cousin Cramps. Not that I do any more either (nope not preggo, just an IUD - which I could talk about those for a while too. Do you know how many people I've recently heard get pg on those? Yikes. Makes me a bit nervous. I think I would fall apart if I had a baby now. Seriously, I'm so past the baby stage. I love to hold them and smoosh their cheeks, but seriously, they poop and I'm like....ew. They cry and I'm like wow, I have an instant headache. I guess I'm like my dad. Which I didn't notice until I had grown up kids. LOL. But my dad doesn't do babies. LOL. But he's the best grandpa in the world to kids that are potty trained. So just put me in that slot I guess. Which that's really sad. And it makes me a bit sad to say that. I mean hello, as a child I wanted 6 kids. Then reality came and smacked me in the face a few times....all right gave me a few flying drop kicks while I was blind folded, but whatever. And now I'm almost terrified about the "what if I get preggo". Like seriously sick to my tummy. I thought I might have been [WARNING: WARNING: WARNING: TMI ALERT. CODE BLUE] a few weeks ago, since I didn't have a period for 3 months and so I was starting to get that icky feeling - you know the one that you get right before you think you know your period is about to start so you're peeing 3x what you normally do because you think you feel it starting? So anyway, that sick to your stomach feeling (because you're in the middle of math class and you didn't pack tampons in your backpack). So I was nervous thinking "Oh Crap. Can I do this now? I mean sure there'd be some big score bar fun things since we've pretty much given away or sold most of our baby stuff. But on the other hand could I handle a baby when my kids are (well, they would be this age when jr was born) 9, 7, 5? The answer is no. I'd freak out. Needless to say, wow, I've really gotten off topic here, my super light period showed up. I was relieved. Which is the part that makes me sad. Ok, this is officially depressing. See what i mean? I try to be funny and then the train jumps the track and I probably offended someone out there (sorry Christal) and for the love of grace my foot is back in my mouth. Open mouth, insert foot. I swear that should be my middle name. That in fact is the latest thing I've been praying for. "Dear Lord, please help me to really THINK before I open my mouth. And please connect my mouth and my brain so that what sounds right in my head won't come out and make everyone in playgroup hate me." Because I have a tendency to do that. I'm sure some people have to learn to like me. Because I am just so brash I think is the word. Crass? Hmmm. idk. Blunt. Rude. Unthinking, unfeeling, uncaring, a-nnoying. See, now we're back to the depressing part again. Sheesh. Ok, think happy thoughts. Happy thoughts....happy thoughts....So, I am trying to be a better person. I have a lot of crap to wade through until I find my inner happiness. And I think a lot of it has to do with the way I look weight wise. I've never been happy with myself, I've always had a low or shaky self esteem and I even find myself hating to go to church because I hate that I have 2 outfits to wear and I've had them for 6 years and I'm tired of wearing them. But I don't want to go out and spend money on myself because I've done nothing to deserve nice clothing. Does that sound weird. Anyway, so I hate going to church because I know what I look like in these dresses and I feel uncomfortable in them etc. And it's all I can do to make it through the 3 hour block. During sacrament I think "well, I'm at least sitting down so they just see from my shoulders up." And I have nice hair. That's a bonus. If I wear my hair nice, maybe they won't notice the rest of me. Pahahaha. (I do have nice hair. I think at least. It's one of the two things I like about myself. I have good hair (if I'd only do it) and good eyes. (I love blue eyes.) Then I hide out in primary and pray that the kids are nicer to me than I am on myself.

Ok, this blog is officially boring. So I'm going to just end it here before I make everyone comatose and before I become totally depressed. So bottom line.

1. Blog is open to public
2. I will try to write more and be a bit more upbeat - be patient
3. I will use ridiculous nicknames like Auntie Shrew and if someone could help me pick something fantabulous for Mike that would be a delight. Oh wait, I've got it. P. Squirrel. That's an inside joke and I don't even know where it started from but he's known by that name and ANY of you call him that in public, I will bar you from the site. LOL. Although some of the show choir kids know and we have a good laugh over it. Especially when we were at the border going to hawaii and the border guy called my name and then right after he said "squirrel" I just about died of laughter. He meant to say Squires which was the name of another adult on the trip. My pal Nicole and I just about died of laughter. I'm pretty sure I wet myself. And the whole time this was happening I just thought "how did he know?" It was WILD.
4. hmmm, there is no 4. Ok. So hopefully this will work out. Now I just need to unload 600 pictures from my camera. I've been saving up for 3 months and I'll have to do some serious posting on the kids site. So if you're not on the kids' site list, let me know and I can add you to the blog.

ttyl, L